The old joke goes: How do you make God laugh? Tell him your plans.
There’s a lot of people out there very glad 2020 is over, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t one of them. I really hate joining the hater crowd, but it’s difficult to stay positive when seeing so many people hurting. In many ways, I feel a lot of the shitstorm of the past year were events years in the making - and 2020 did little more than rip off an infected scab.
Last year, Fin (and life in general) introduced me to “Spoon Theory”. I’ve not really covered my ongoing health issues here. Partially, I’ve not wanted that to become a theme of this blog. Partially, because the Doctors still don’t understand what is going on - and I’d rather not discuss symptoms without a diagnosis. But, I’m slowly coming to terms with being one of the “spoonies” - and overcoming my fear of needles with successively rougher diagnostic tests.
After 2 days quitting social media and general news sites, I’m considering ways to make this break more permanent. I’ve long thought social media negatively impacted my life. I never realized just how much. While I’m not feeling substantially more energetic, I am finding myself doing more healthful things than the infinite scroll.
Fin’s approach to social media is strict monitoring and extremely active curation of the feed. No politics / hate / drama allowed. She tries to keep it full of local information, groan worthy dad jokes, and animal cuteness. Management is an interesting thought. TV never pretended to be an active medium. Social media grants the delusion of active participation. In reality, what little active participation exists takes the form of joining the mob. How many people get the majority of their information from social media? If social media guides the selection of news stories we read - who’s editing the selection? The mob. Ouch.
After some serious consideration, I’ve turned off all social media (reddit, facebook) and am avoiding news feeds and media outlets. No TV news or newspaper.
Why?
The current media system has devolved into nothing more than a machine to divide neighbors and friends. The obsession over “right” vs “wrong” has gone extreme.
Today was difficult - I found myself repeatedly trying to log in and tune back to the addiction. I’m definitely feeling some withdrawal.
Financially, Fin and I have weathered the Corona virus storm substantially better than a lot of other people out there. Isolation pushed our daily expenses way down by cutting fuel, restaurants, and leisure. Mentally, it’s been a different story. Since going into “lockdown”, I’ve found myself falling further and further into an abyss of lethargy. Struggling with depression and chronic pain has always been a “thing” for me - but something I’ve actively avoided talking about. Isolation has not been helpful. Trying to deal with all that, I dove into professional projects - but sadly, the candle there burned out quickly as well, and now I’m hanging on for dear life just trying to finish out a project to move on to new things. Creative work is hard when the energy is gone and it’s just a paycheck motivating you.
Slowly going mad.
For whatever reason, I never considered that I’d have an issue living in isolation. 3 year trip to Mars? Just give me a good book for the view. Arctic post? A good nice heater and decent TV dinners. Not even 3 weeks into this stay-at-home business and I’m stressing.
I got a shelving unit put together for in-door plant starts. The raised bed in the back is about ready, and I’m putting together hardware for another couple projects. Meanwhile, Fin has started some painting and restarted a few of her other small project.
I’ve missed a few updates as of late. Immediately before stay at home orders and quarantine orders, I initiated some fairly substantial changes in my professional life. Sadly, time and energy for the home life eroded immediately as that upheaval began.
Midterm grades came back, and I’m sitting toward the top of the class. That bit of news has not helped my constant fight with procrastination. Nor have project extensions and format changes due to the university attempting to aid students impacted by COVID-19.
After a week of isolation, my hopes of a quick resolution to the current pandemic appear dashed. Watching the events in Italy, the writing is on the wall: the coming weeks will see great loss of life. I hope this virus is simply a nasty flu-like season we must get through. I hope this is only a fire-drill from conservative epidemiologists. I fear it is not.
While Fin is off at work (animal shelters can’t simply close), I’ve spent a lot of time staring out our living room window thinking. Adversity should encourage growth. During this adversity, here’s the things I hope we learn.
Professional life has been grating the past couple weeks and hasn’t done much to aid in my ongoing battle with depressed mood. Outside, the feeling of spring is in the air - warmer temperatures, a present breeze, and occasional rain.
I took the weekend to clear out some trash and start a new garden bed - or at least clear out the mess that was there before. At one point, I think someone had a nice pretty garden there - roughly 12’ by 4 1/2’. One of the previous owners of this property definitely loved gardening, flowers, and birds. I see remnants of that love all over the place, but degraded by years of the elements with no (or little) care.
I’m not sure why lately, but the past few weeks I’ve been down. Maybe some sort of seasonal depression - the weather gets just good enough to interest me in being outside, and then the cold creeps back in. Nothing makes me much happier than walking in winter snow, but I need some sun time as well.
Professionally, I’m at a fork in the road - attempting to decide between multiple choices. I have it really good for work environment, but I don’t find much fulfillment. And what’s more, I leave work and come home tired. So many things I’d like to do, but no energy to do them.